So...

I've been absent. This blog was started because I figured it was a better way to get some of my thoughts down/shared than the book I'd started and not finished. Bite-size pieces rather than trying to complete an entire manuscript when I had so much else going on in my life.

Well... lots has been going on in my life. Whirlwind stuff. I got engaged in May, and I'm getting married in August. 53 days from now, to be precise. Yes, to my skinny boyfriend, mentioned the last time I posted here.

Most of the time this feels utterly normal; unlike any other relationship or almost-relationship I've had or almost had, it is easy and fun and comfortable to be with him, and to be myself with him. And then there are times when I have to pinch myself to realise what is actually happening here. I was so utterly crushed by my weight I did truly believe deep down that I would never be acceptable enough for anyone, would never be 'seen' by anyone, never be loved by anyone. And in the space of six months I've met this guy and am marrying him (we did actually know each other slightly many years ago, so he wasn't a complete stranger when I met him again in February. In fact, I was looking forward to seeing him, remembering what I'd thought of him when I first knew him).

I've continued to hold steady with weight; I've been basically between 145 and 149 for the past few months. I found some soy crisps in the shops that aren't normally available around here and ate far too many yesterday so I'm going to have to get back to purer eating soon; I don't want to end up putting weight on in the eight week run-up to the wedding. My fiance is actually underweight; it's almost comical. He's six foot one and weighs maybe a few pounds more than me. He's trying to put on weight, but finds it difficult. On the one hand that might make me jealous and angry. On the other hand, at least he doesn't eat a ton of food around me, so it's not like I'm watching someone pack away tons of food I can't eat, and stay thin. And I do hope that the combination of genes, should we be blessed with children, might make them luckier than I was in the weight-gene thing, so that they don't have to suffer what I have.

I've talked to him a lot about weight and dieting and low-carb. I've educated him so that he no longer makes the assumptions about fat people that most non-fat people make. That they're greedy and gluttonous and all you have to do is 'eat less and exercise more' to lose weight.

I recently read the book 'Rethinking Thin' which was frankly a very interesting, but extremely depressing read. It goes into all the science/history of dieting/losing weight (and how often dieting leads to *not* losing weight). It followed a group of people doing different diets over a 2 year period in which none of them really succeeded in losing weight. It showed that there is a genetic predisposition that leads to weight gain that is next to impossible to beat unless you focus your energy on the task every day of your life, and that scientists are working on identifying the processes but there is no cure yet (like we didn't know that from the fact we're still walking around fat...) It was a very very sad read for me. It took me back to the misery of being overweight. I felt like I was doomed even *though* I've actually lost the weight and am no longer that person. I really have defied the odds; it is now five and a half years since I started losing weight, I lost most of it in the first 18 months, and it's still off. I am over 100 pounds down from where I was 6 years ago and although it *is* a constant project to maintain my weight, I am succeeding in it.

I do think every single thin person in the world should read that book though. It might start breaking down the stereotypes that every fat person has to face, that it's their fault that they look the way they do.

Anyway, this is a very rambly post. Truth is, I was just avoiding work by reading some other blogs about weight and fat prejudice and remembered my blog and thought I should write something.

You know what's amazing? I'm going to be a beautiful bride. The dress I'm having made makes me look like a size six all over, because the bodice is the fitted part and I *am* a size six there, and the big skirt hides my size 10 bottom half. Not that a size 10 bottom half is bad, either. But it really is amazing to me, *beyond* all the other amazing things about this happening, that I can be a 'regular' bride. I'm not loathing dress fittings because I don't like the way I look and am just looking for something that will minimize my shape as much as possible. I'm goign to stand next to my skinny beanpole of a groom and I'll look beautiful with him. Even if I could have got past my own self-loathing years ago if I'd met someone to marry then, there's just no way I could have avoided being a fat bride. And that is not a terrible thing, at all, really, is it? But I would have felt like it was.

I feel so contradictory about all this weight loss stuff. On the one hand I feel like donating all my time and energy to the battle against fat prejudice, demanding that people treat fat people with respect and not let it be the last acceptable -ism. On the other hand because I felt that -ism so keenly, took it inside myself and internalised all the messages I was getting and felt so unworthy and unacceptable *myself* when I was fat, I also want to evangelise low-carb and try and help people lose weight. Because it IS better to be thinner. But 80% of the reason it is better to be thinner is nothing to do with health, the way everyone 'claims' it is. It's because you are treated better by the people around you. So if fat people were accepted as a normal segment of society, if people weren't conditioned to be repulsed by a hint of adipose, then most fat people coudl just continue their lives happily. It's the way you're treated that makes being fat so awful, the way you end up feeling about yourself. Not the fat itself. But there's absolutely no denying how happy I am that I am getting married weighing 145 pounds or thereabouts, and not 250 pounds.

Apologies if this is rambling and full of non-sequiturs. I'm not sleeping all that well, I'm very tired, enduring a heatwave, and I'm engaged so by definition I'm over-emotional 95% of the time!