A Sense of Proportion

Before I begin, I'd like to say hi to kaz and suzique! Hi! It's really great to get comments from people I didn't 'know' already when I began the blog. It's weird, because I *have* been part of online forums before and I'm used to people reading what I write; knowing it's been read and appreciated. Starting a blog isn't like that, because there's no guarantee anyone will find your little corner of the web. But I wanted to focus more fully on the weight thing, and a blog seemed a good way to go to restart my writing. So I'm really pleased it's reaching new people - thank you for letting me know!

So despite my intent to remain - for now, at least - basically anonymous on this blog, I'm going to give you some relevant info that means you'll have less than 2 billion or so women in the world to identify me from...I'll cut it down to a few million. I'm Jewish, and live in a somewhat traditional framework. This is relevant because it means that the life I live makes staying low-carb quite a unique challenge.

Why? Because beyond all the festivals which are always but always centred around food (and pretty much always high-carb food, at that), every week there is a day in which you eat two three-course meals, in company. Saturday/Shabbat is a social day, and because I'm single I really don't have the option of just staying at home and avoiding temptation by cooking my own meals for my family. I do host meals occasionally, but more often I'm invited out, or go away and stay with friends/family.

It creates a bit of a quandary. In the normal course of a week, things are very much under control. If I'm cooking for myself at home, then obviously I decide what I eat and if I 'stray' then it's only my own fault. If I go out to eat with friends in a restaurant, then I can always find a low-carb option. (The issue of how it feels to always have to choose a low-carb option even once you've lost the majority of your weight is a whole other post). For now, because I've just spent the day with close friends and have eaten mounds of carbs, I'm going to focus on the hard part - when you are invited to friends.

Imagine being faced with dealing with Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner - only having to do it every week - twice. It can certainly make trying to lose weight, or stay on plan, a chore. Sometimes it's downright impossible.

There are various ways I have for coping; and this is where the title of the post comes in. I have to strike a balance between focusing on eating well, and on living well. When I say that I don't mean it because I resent having to cut carbs out of my life (that's another post). I mean that I choose not to stay home and refuse invitations because I know I will not be able to eat the way I should.

First of all, every sabbath meal begins with bread. And wine. Sometimes the wine is dry, but often it's sweet - and this is a ritual thing where it's not always easy to pipe up and say 'can i have dry wine please?' - even if the dry wine makes its way to the table later on in the meal. Take a meal I went to a few weeks ago, for example. Friends of mine invited me. Definite friends, not just acquaintances, but not close friends. There are certain friends who know me well, and when they invite me, will ask me to remind them what I can and can't eat so that they can be certain I'll have food. And I'll often take something with me - for everyone - a side dish, or salad - so I know I've supplemented the supply of 'legal' food. But when you receive an invitation to dinner and it's not a close close friend, and you're a single person who spends at least part of every week in slight anxiety as to what plans you have for the weekend, or whether you have any at all, you're not going to make things difficult for your hosts. You hope that there will be suitable food there, and wait and see. It's often easy enough to expect there will be 'legal' food around - friday night meals, for example, often start with dips like humus and various vegetable dips to go with the bread (and I just eat them without bread), followed by chicken soup, some form of roast chicken and various vegetables. So I avoid the potatoes and the dessert, have a tiny taste of the bread to fulfill the requirements, and eat healthily. But that meal a few weeks ago, we went straight from sweet bread to sweet potato and pumpkin soup - delicious but not exactly low carb - then to meatballs with rice and salad, and then dessert. That was it. For me to stay on track, I'd have had to refuse the soup and bread and sit eating nothing through first course, then eat meatballs without rice and have some salad, and then refuse dessert as well. And as it is, I took the salad, so I'd basically have only eaten one thing that the hostess made. I'd have made the hostess feel awful, and I'd have felt ridiculous myself. Also, there were only five of us for a nice intimate dinner. Not the kind of situation where you can expect people to not notice you're not eating.

In circumstances like that, I eat. I know that I'm going to eat too much, because carbs do that to me - I'm not someone who can say 'ok then, i'll have a bit of bread, a small bowl of soup and a tiny spoon of rice and focus on the meatballs and the salad. Once the carbmonster is let loose, it truly goes on the rampage.

My reasoning is thus. I have to live. I have to enjoy life. And I will not enjoy it if I refuse invitations to be with my friends and celebrate together, and stay home eating a salad, just so that I can stay thin.

It's not that this isn't an issue that I take seriously. It is. And there have been times when I *have* made decisions for the weekend based on food. I'll decide to make a meal myself, and invite friends, because I know that way I can control what I eat. And not to plan a second meal out, even if it does mean I'll spend a large portion of the day alone. Because I don't want to derail myself.

I got to my current weight 2 years ago. Since then I've been on an up-down mini yo-yo. Up a few pounds, down again. It was quite a struggle, even. Not that I can even now imagine ever getting really heavy again - the highest I got during the last two years after getting to a low of 154 was seeing 163, and that was immediately after vacation and carb splurging, and a bit of it was water weight from the glycogen load. But I wasn't happy about the fact that my 'stable' weight had become more like 158/159 than 154/155. This summer I made a concerted effort to change that, and from June till September I was strictly controlling calories as well as carbs. During the week I really was very strict, and generally stuck to approximately 1250 calories - because I knew that the weekend would never be that strict even if I did manage to control my food. And at that time, when I was being very strict at dieting, when I was invited out I *did* make sure that there would be suitable food for me. I can't remember now but I think during that 3 month period there were very very few times when I could only eat unsuitable food.

I got down to around 150. Broke the 154 barrier. Stress over a relationship in September/October even saw me down at 149ish.

Then I spent two months travelling for work, and mourning the end of the relationship. After the rigours and focus of the summer, I couldn't do it anymore. And travel makes it hard. This is another relevant matter; I eat kosher. Mostly. Which means the low-carb options that are usually available for travellers aren't always available for me because I can't eat meat/chicken etc just anywhere. (Lordy, lordy, talk about fussy, hey? Low carb *and* kosher!)

But it's back to that sense of proportion. I know there's no sense beating myself up about it. I know there are times to worry and focus on the eating and times to let go a bit.

I do mean a bit. I dont' mean go on wild forays of carb-binging. Untrammelled excesses. Because if I did that I *would* quickly be back at 250lbs, hating myself again. I've never let myself gain enough weight to even go up one clothing size, let alone the six or seven I've gone through during the past five years of transformation.

This weekend I went away to very old family friends. Parents of my best friend growing up. They - and the sister of my aforementioned best friend - live near me now. It is wonderful being with them - they are a fabulous family whose company I genuinely enjoy, and they welcome me so openly. It's comforting and comfortable. Truly relaxed. But I know that the food won't be good. Typical Ashkenazi fare. Last night was chicken soup (good) but everything else was well nigh impossible. Meatballs in a sweet and sour sauce. Chicken schnitzel not only with breading but with a sweet sauce on top. Sweet and sour cabbage. Sweetened carrots with prunes. Roast potatoes. Notice the sweet theme? At times like this there's no point worrying. I just sit back and let the carbmonster take over (we'll leave it for another post how these things actually make me feel ill and horrible afterwards).

Tomorrow is another day. After two months of travelling and letting go, I'm back somewhere around 155. Probably more after this week, with the food poisoning aftermath and then this latest freewheeling eating experience. I've got no more travelling planned for a few months. I'll stay at home next shabbat and have friends over to me. I'll visit my siblings for some weekends, when I know I can expect them to make good food for me. And I'll be back to my standard fare. This week will be difficult because I'll be dealing with the day after the day after again - which is one reason why I have to keep next weekend 'pure'. It takes a while to get properly back in the saddle again.

Sometimes, honestly, when I've been lax for a while and put on a couple pounds, I really expect to look in the mirror and see my old self again. That somehow I can't have that full-up carb-bloated feeling after a day of bad eating and not immediately see 250lbs of me in the mirror. I'm almost surprised when I still look the same. Still got a defined jawline. Still got that 29" waist (28" when I'm down at 150lbs). Even if I feel flabby and too full (well, even with the 28" waist I'm still flabby - talk about hourglass - I've got a 13" difference between waist and hips).

So - living my life - but balancing the needs of my body with the needs of my soul. I know people who never ever stray from eating low-carb. They've had enough bad experiences with being heavy that they know they just can't go off plan at all or risk sliding backwards forever. This is one of the reasons that I'm glad I came to Atkins by way of the more moderate Carb Addicts diet. It made me more aware of my abilities to 'survive' a cheat. I know that falling off the wagon isn't irrevocable; that I can get back on. I've been doing so for five years. I know when the alarms start ringing in my head and I know I can't afford to remain lax any longer. I am *always* at least 80% on plan with my eating - but I know that even 80% on plan will mean I put on weight, albeit at a slow rate. I know that to stay on track and not put on weight - and heaven help me, perhaps lose some more too - I need to be on track 95% of the time.

Tomorrow's day one again for me. It's time to be 100% for a good long while. I want to see 150 again. Then maybe I could actually see 140. Haven't been there since I was about 12 years old. I'm only 5 foot 4, and small boned (something I didn't realise till I'd lost weight). I wear a size 6 or 8 on top, but a size 10 or 12 on the bottom - and I'd really like to be an all round size 8.

Wish me luck!