On Display

A lot of this blog seems to be about the difference between life then and life now. Makes sense, I guess. What exact event prompts this entry? A party.

On Tuesday night, my brother and his wife made a celebration dinner for a cousin of my sister-in-law who just got married. There were about 30 people there, for a full, sit down meal, and they also hired a magician to come entertain us. He's really excellent this magician, I have to say - I've seen him do kiddie shows, but this was the first time he did an adult show. He was good. Anyway, my point is, we're all sitting there. There are a few people I know, and many I don't know. No close friends but lots friendly acquaintances. And when the magician started his act, he asked me to come up and be his assistant for one of the tricks.

And I agreed readily. And I sat there being watched by thirty people - and being filmed by my brother - and I didn't mind.

This would have been unheard of a few years ago. I hated looking in the mirror, I hated people looking at me, I hated being in any way on display. Heck, I didn't like walking down the street because people would look at me. Life was a constant series of humiliations just because of the way I felt so uncomfortable about myself.

Another reflection of the sea change now is the way my apartment is constructed. I bought the place I live in 2 years ago. When you walk in the front door, there is a hallway in front of you that opens up into the rest of the apartment, and on the wall just off to the left of the front door, but facing the front door, is a very large mirror. The mirror faces the hallway down which you go to reach the bedrooms. This means that every time you walk in the front door, and every time you leave the bedrooms to go to the rest of the apartment, you have to watch yourself walking in the big mirror. I think that a few years ago that would have been a reason not to buy the place. Or I'd have taken the mirror down and put a bookcase in its place, or something. Now I enjoy it being there.

I may not have complete equanimity about looking in a mirror naked, but clothed...it's fine. And I don't mind being on display at all. Sometimes I even enjoy it. Being comfortable in your skin is a wonderful thing. Something everyone should be able to take for granted, but I never had.

On a weight note, things seem to be on the move! I've been extra virtuous (I won't even mention all the things on the menu at the dinner party that I completely avoided) and this morning the scale said 149! Pretty close to the lowest ever. The only time I've seen lower than that was in November when I saw 148.6 for a day - but it was the day after my boyfriend broke up with me, and I'd eaten nothing. So this 149 is more 'real' than that 148.6 was. Not that I don't expect the scale to go up again; there are always zigzags...but it's moving in the right direction.

Speaking of boyfriends, something happened this week, most unexpectedly, with a friend of mine. Who now may have become something a little more than a friend. We'll see. But at any rate, I swear that romance is good for my weight loss. In the summer/autumn when I was dating my ex, I found that losing weight was easier than it had ever been before, and that sometimes even when I wasn't trying to lose weight I did. It must be something to do with adrenalin/stress - both good and bad. Anyway, Wednesday night was the night things changed with this friend of mine. Wednesday morning when I weighed myself it said 151. Thursday morning it said 149.2

Don't know what's going to be the outcome of this...thing, whatever it is. But I hope it continues for a while, because it could really help me get to goal!