What Might Have Been

i keep mentally preparing myself for the scale to go up again, since we all know it's a bouncy thing - and my period is due soonish, as well.

but this morning the scale said 147.4 - which is 0.4 down from yesterday.

i feel i should pinch myself.

i have to admit, that along with the joy as i get closer to goal, i am feeling some sadness as well. i can now see that i actually have a really good figure. very curvy, very classic - and that's even with the 15 pounds or so i still have to get rid of. and along with being happy that i'm finally accessing it, i'm feeling very very sad for the teenage me, and the young adult me - and heck, the me me - that i never got to have what many girls do have - which is that actual body as it actually should have been, *when* it should have been. and even now, while the shape is becoming more and more pleasing, the skin is irrevocably damaged. oh, i'll deal with it, but sagging skin and stretchmarks are not attractive. if it wasn't for skin issues, for example, i would now have no problem wearing a bikini. walking around in lingerie. my legs are still a bit fat, and my bum has a bit of an odd shape, although it's getting better and i reckon once i've lost the rest of the weight it'll be normal. and the rest makes up for that - or would do, if it wasn't for the skin issues.

i spent so much of my life hiding; clothes were for covering up a source of shame, not enhancing what i had. there really are some girls (my sister, included), for whom growing up, developing, was a source of pleasure. exploring their bodies was something positive. and i'll never have that back. even if i can deal with the demons and stop worrying about the bad skin, i'll never have that time back - i'll never have that time, never have that body that i could have had, if it wasn't for this problem with insulin. a problem nobody ever knew about. a problem i can't blame myself for.

i know some people have had similar issues to me, but there seem to be a lot more who put on weight later in life, and at least had some time in which they felt comfortable and positive about themselves (as much as any women can in this world). i just do not have a time i can look back on and say 'ah, but at least i looked good then'. when i was 13 we went on a family holiday and i think i may have been about 140 then, maybe a bit less, and i know that i got attention on the beach. but being 140 as a 13 year old i still felt fat/was told i was fat - and attention from adult men was not something i wanted, anyway, or knew how to handle. and by 14 i was already hiding my thickened body under t-shirts on the beach while my sister swanned around in her as-sexy-as-she-could-get-away-with swimsuit.

i'm not feeling bitter, more sad. so much time and life wasted. and no matter how much weight i lose, i will never have the body i should have had.