We've all got them, haven't we? Those one pair of jeans, that one top, that represent where we used to be, what we once fitted in to? They usually taunt us, fill us with despair, with longing for what once was.
I don't have a pair of reference jeans, but I do have a pair of reference trousers. I bought them when I was sixteen, when I'd been on my first diet and had managed to slim down to around 160 pounds from about 185. They only fit me for about six months; I hung around 160 for a while, briefly got to 154, but then by the time the year was out I was back to 185. At least I didn't - that time - put on even more weight.
That pair of black trousers sat in my cupboard in the years to follow. Sometimes they were hidden so far back I didn't know quite where they were. And yet, they accompanied me through my life. They came to university with me - why? They didn't fit me...but I took them with. One day they would fit again.
I don't actually live in the country of my birth (there's another factoid about the real me). When I moved, I took that pair of trousers with me. They were even further away from fitting me then. By my mid-twenties I weighed 250lbs and was filled with self-hate. I doubt I could even have pulled one leg up to my thigh, let alone seen if they'd do up. Of course not. There were other clothes I had with me; clothes that had fit at other diet points, clothes that fit when I got down to 174, for example, at university. They would sit in the cupboard, I would try to diet, try to get them to fit, see if wearing a jacket open or with just one button done up would work...
Over the past five years, I've gone through seven clothes sizes, or thereabouts. When I was at my highest weight, I was a 22/24 top, and a 26/28 bottom (UK sizes). Now I'm a 10/12 top, and a 14 bottom - UK, again. Given another few pounds and hopefully I'll hit a size 12 on the bottom as well. During that time - five years *is* a long time - I bought a heck of a lot of clothes. There's a whole post lying in wait somewhere about how it felt to finally be able to buy clothes in regular shops again. Sometimes I was almost sad when clothes didn't fit me anymore, even though it was for the great reason...they were too big. After all, some of them were nice!
I gave some away, sold some, threw some out, depending. Didn't get all that much money back, but never mind.
Last night, I've no idea why, the thought of those pair of black trousers from when I was 16 crossed my mind. I got out the ladder so I could rummage through the top shelf in my wardrobe to find them. They're sitting there with a few pieces of clothes I'd really liked, that I couldn't really throw out and hadn't managed to sell. (A friend came round, and I gave her three pieces of clothes last night - that was nice, to be able to pass them on).
Oh, those black trousers. They were too loose! They were also hysterically awful. Amazingly unflattering. Susannah and Trinny wouldn't have just shaken their heads in disapproval, they'd have taken them out to be burned. There are pleats coming down from the waistband. They're baggy in the thigh - and tight at the ankle. They're *awful*. I put them on and laughed. Why was I holding on to these trousers? I'm really glad to show myself that I now am actually slimmer than I was when I wore those trousers as a 16 year old. I'm also almost mortified that I ever did wear them in the first place! But then again - it was the eighties. Not my fault fashion was so very very bad. (At least the music was good). I decided, last night, that I'd throw them out. They're just taking up space. And I don't need them as a pair of reference trousers anymore. I've made it. The trousers that only briefly fitted me when I was 16 are now slightly too loose. I've put on 100 pounds in that time, but I've also lost it again - and then some. If I want reference trousers, I can use the ones I own now. My jeans - the first pair I ever owned - I bought in Gap a few months ago. They're the 'long and lean' style - love that name. They fit me way better now than they did when I bought them, even though we're only talking about a few pounds difference. I look pretty damn fabulous, if I say so myself.
There's a set of reference clothes I do still possess though - at the other end of the spectrum. It's an outfit I had made for my brother's wedding, almost 8 years ago. It was a gorgeous outfit; I designed it myself, found beautiful material. It is ludicrous now. Hangs off me. The skirt, which does not have an elasticated waist, won't actually stay up over my hips. I'm swimming in the top. It's clownish.
I'll always keep that outfit - not because I have any fear that I'll ever need it again, but to always be able to remind myself where I've come from.
It's so much nicer to hang on to something much, much too big for you than it is to look longingly at something that's much, much too small for you. Isn't it? :-)
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2 comments:
I guess I'm very odd... When I started losing weight, so much that the biggest sizes I owned didn't even come close to fitting any more, the big clothes went out the door. I don't have a single item left from those days. My feeling was that I absolutely wasn't going back to that ever again, so I didn't even want to be reminded of how big I once was.
I've continued to get rid of sizes that are too big, as I've shrunk out of them.
Maybe that's one reason why even though the scales say I weigh a whole lot less, I don't feel that much smaller. :-/
Of course I don't have any clothes left from my smaller days either. I tend to just get rid of anything I can't use at the moment, rather than continue to hang onto it, hoping to be able to fit in it again, or as some kind of reference to how bad things used to be.
Oh, except my wedding gown, and a couple dresses that I designed when I was in college. Those are definitely on the smaller end of the spectrum, but they're by no means the smallest I ever wore.
It's funny - we really only vaguely have an idea of how big or small we really are. And we rely on reference points like old clothing to help us wrap our heads around it. We 'feel' we're a certain size (as in skinny, slender, voluptuous, fat). I've seen old pictures of myself during a time I felt overweight and the current me thought "what?? THAT was not fat, what were you thinking??". I think it's odd that we just really can't have an accurate self-perception of our own bodies - because we're in them. Impossible to have a 'right' perspective. So we need outside references, that even then surprise us. "I can't believe I ever wore that/couldn't wear that/can't wear that anymore/can wear this now". Would be amusing if it weren't vaguely sad.
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